I Pray

I pray to god
when I lay down at night
He leads me to love
He shows me the light


As I lay there
all alone
Dreaming of you
in our three bedroom home


Seeing Trin’s room
locked up tight
it gets harder every day
I wish we wouldn’t fight


I know where I went wrong
I took your love for granted
I realize that now
Responsibility I have accepted


Now as I sit here
praying for your return
I have seen my mistakes
many lessons, I have learned


What will it take
to make you mine
To be with me
Until the end of time


With me as your Husband
and you as my wife
let’s rebuild our family
let’s rebuild our life…

Games

Everyday it's something new...one day she loves, and the next she never will. One day she talks about kids together, the next day she doesn't even want to be with me. One day she loves me, and the next she's allowed to talk to me...every day i get closer and closer to pulling the fucking trigger that it's not even funny, all because my heart is nothing more than a fucking game that she plays...I wish I did not love her, I wish I didn't have to think about her every minute of the fucking day...I wish I didn't have to sit here at home and allow her to play with my heart like a fucking video game. If it wasn't for the blood, I would have already killed myself by now, and the only thing ever stopping me as the chance that one day I would be with my family again, but that's never going to happen, it's just her way to control the situation...her way to make sure that I will never be happy...her way of controlling how long I stay on this earth...she knows exactly what she is doing to me...she knows that I every fucking time she does this to me, I have a breakdown...the time is coming very soon that I will have more than a breakdown, I will not wake up...and to be honest, I can't fucking wait on that day because I know that the games, and the pain will stop...

Alone

As I lay dying
Alone in bed
Thoughts of you
Come racing through my head

What could I have done
To be happy in life
With Trin as my baby
And you, as my wife

I didn't know it then
But I had it all
I didn't know that I loved you
Until after the fall

I told you that I was sorry
But there's nothing I can say
The past may be a memory
But it's one that will not go away

You left me alone
In this house to die
Watching the blood
Contemplating suicide

I've failed in the past
But now you're gone
Nobody to hold me
Or help me stay strong

I may have friends
But they can't see
The man before them
Is not me

So I say again
I need only you
To have, and to hold
And to always be true

Running Blind

I feel it happening

I’m losing my mind

With out you here

I’m running blind

Through the darkness

Down the halls

Around the corner

Waiting for the fall

Its bound to come

Only time can tell

How long it will be

Till I fall into hell

There’s no coming back

It’s a long way down

To the fires of hell

In the flames I shall drown

I wish you could save me

But now it’s too late

I’ve made too many mistakes

I’ve lost my soulmate

The light I wish

That I could find

But after everything

I’m running blind

I pray to God

To light the way

Let me wake up

To see a new day

When I wake up

I look for you

Is it really possible

Could God be true

I walk through the darkness

Down the hall

Around the corner

And again, I fall

I need you now

More then life itself

We can do this together

Put the past on the shelf

I’m running blind

Help me see

A life with you

Is where I need to be…

Hauntings

You know...today has been an odd day, for some reason I'm as bad as I have been over the past week...but I have had a few misplaced wishes to day that got to me pretty bad. First off, at the VA today, I went up to make an appointment with my Psychologist, and while I was up there she finally gave me the packet that they had been out of for a few months now for a couples retreat that Desiree' and I had talked about going on together. It's kinda late for that though, isn't it...I tried to tell her that I didn't need it anymore, without giving the reason why, but she insisted telling me that after our last session, she knows that Desiree' and I really need it before something bad happens between us...again, too late, right?!
Soon after leaving the VA, I was driving down Meridian, on my way home when the song "Moment", by Emerson Drive came on...every time I hear that song, I have to fight back the tears, but over the past couple months I haven't been able to fight them too well for anything, so why would I expect to while driving.
"I've had my moments, days in the sunMoments I was second to noneMoments when I knew I did what I thought I couldn't doLike the day I walked away from the wineFor a woman who became my wifeAnd a love that, when it was right,Could always see me throughLookin' at me now you might not know itBut I've had my moments"
~~Emerson Drive~~ "Moments"
The most fucked up thing happened when I got the mail out of the mailbox...because I am a Disabled Veteran, and a member of the Disabled American Veteran Organization, each month I get a magazine from the D.A.V. Well, this months issues has wounded Veteran going through a Physical Therapy appointment, but his shirt, in big black letters, says "TRINITY"...everywhere I turn, I see them...and it hurts more and more each time...but for some reason, I makes me feel closer to them somehow...I really do not know how to explain it...

The Seventh Day

You get your wish
My life is gone
I care not how
You choose to move on

You took my baby
My ray of light
I see the darkness
My end is in sight

Now I'm alone
Drinking another beer
Cutting for pain
Watching blood mix with tears

The only feelings
I have left
Will be the cause
Of my very last breath

You care not how
You killed me inside
You took my child
You, and my pride

What do I have left
But a reason to cry
I'll never see you again
More of a reason to die

I've tried hard
In seven days
To find reason
To make make myself stay

On the sixth day,
I had but one
But on the seventh
I had but none

So, now we've come
To the end of the line
Now I realize
You'll never be mine

So, I must go
Walk alone
Down this lonely path
'Til I find my way home

When death shall call
I will go
Sooner, more than later
I sincerely hope so...

Some People Never Change

You say that "some people never change", and I know you're talking about me, and the blog that I wrote early this morning while I couldn't sleep. Now, I ask you, what is the big deal that I do not believe in the same "God" as you? What is the big deal that I am not of Christian faith? I do not critisize you, or anybody else for their beliefs, in fact, I do have my own beliefs, but they are beliefs that can not be found on a shelf in a bookstore. My beliefs can be found in my heart, and on this blog, or in the notebooks that I keep so secret from all but a few.

As I said in my previous blog, everything that "God" created on that first day, you created in me on the first day we met. Your God is as much your savior, as you was mine. They say that God made man in an image of himself, which means that anybody in this world could be a God...you were my savior, and I believe in you. Does that make me wrong because I do not worship somebody out of a book, I instead believe in the healing powers of those closest to us. When I was sick, you made me feel better; when I was sad, you made the pain go away; when I cried, you were there to wipe the tears away, I don't have to be a Christian to believe that I have been saved...I was saved from myself...by you.

As I said, I believe, that I was saved from myself, by you...now, you believe in God...so you may believe that you were sent there to save me, and that is fine because it is what you believe...without some sort of belief, what else do we have? Without some sort of faith, love, and hope, what do we have? I have faith in our love...and I hope that one day that love that I know we both have for each other will blossom into the future that I know we can make great together, as a family.

I know that it takes time to heal, as I have been hurt in the past just as you have. However, we need to help the healing process along, if we baby the hurt, it will only slow the process. I'm not saying to stand up, and walk right away, I'm saying get the strength back before you stand up and try. It's all about starting again at the beginning, mend the friendship, before the relationship.

I have made mistakes, as have you, but my love, and belief in your love has made me forgive all of yours. Now, I am asking you for the forgiveness that your beliefs say that you should give in return. Take your time, mend yourself, as I am trying to do, at the same time mend our broken friendship...and hope for a brighter relationship someday down the road...

"Mamma lives by the Bible,
The Bible lives by the bed.
An' she's lied alone so many nights,
With scriptures in her head.
Prayin': "Good Lord, just be with him,
I know his Faith is tired,
But he's an angel with no halo,
An' one wing in the fire."

An' I know he lives a little left of livin' right,
An he's come close to goin' way to far a few times.
But I'd trade a thousand prayers if just one prayer would come true:
Lord, please believe in him, like I believe in you."

Trent Tomlinson "One Wing in the Fire"

Believe

"Mother is the name for God on the lips, and hearts of all children" ~~The Crow; Brandon Lee"

"In the beginning when God created^* the heavens and the earth, ²the earth was a formless void and darkness covered the face of the deep, while a wind from God^* swept over the face of the waters. ³Then God said, ‘Let there be light’; and there was light. ⁴And God saw that the light was good; and God separated the light from the darkness.⁵God called the light Day, and the darkness he called Night. And there was evening and there was morning, the first day."

Anybody who knows me knows that I do not believe in "God", however, I do believe in the way people make me feel. Above two quotes, one from one of my favorite movies, the other from the Bible. As I said, I believe in the way I feel, not how a book "translated" on the biased opinion of William Tyndale says I should think or believe.

Where am I going with this?

Three years ago, I was a "formless void", and "darkness covered" all aspects of my life. Then, I met Desiree', and Trinity...when I met them, I felt the darkness lift, and I followed the light to my eventual happiness...I stumbled, and fell along the way, but after her forgivness, I picked myself up, and continued down my path to happiness. For the first time, I could see between the dark, and the light within myself, and I followed the light...I became a "daddy", and I loved the woman with whom I had called my wife, as I still do.

As I said before, I don't believe in "God", or the bible, but I do believe in the way I feel, and I feel as if what that first passage in that book says is true, but it's not some unseen deity, it's the love of another. I think that the bible is nothing more than a "Self-Help" book designed to show us what we don't already know about ourselves, or the people around us. It's not a struggle between "God", and "Lucifer", it's about the struggle we all fight within ourselves.

You can denounce what I believe if you wish, but before you do, just think about your life, and how it correlates with the Bible...You pray at night to your "God", whomever that may be, because it makes you feel like you can do, what you previously thought you could not, it gives you the confidence to try. It gives you the hope that maybe, by "the grace of God", something will happen that will make you feel like you've accomplished something in life, be it for your own personal gain, or for the safety of our Soldiers fighting overseas. You feel good, because you're actually taking the time to think about somebody, when they may not have anybody else.

Me, I'm feel as if I am slipping back into the "darkness", and without my "light", I will have no sight. I am lost, as I can no longer see the future as bright as I had. As the days pass, the "light" seems to get further behind me, yet I keep walking forward trying to find my way out, but only getting deeper into the pit of dispair. It's still not clear when the clouds will open up, but I'm hoping sooner more than later, as I have seen the end of the darkness, and it isn't a pretty sight. I have felt the never ending emotional roller coaster that is "rock bottom", and my "savior" is almost 900 miles away...close by comparison, but further when it comes to emotions...

Mother is the name for God on the lips, and hearts of all children"

Scars

Being here alone brings back so many memories that I wish I could forget, I have tried to drink them away, but they won't leave me alone. I'm waking up, hoping to feel her there, so I know that I am home, but she's gone...am I home, or am I in a place so far away? Am I safe, or will my life, they take away? I would wake up to the bullets flying, or the soldier's crying out in pain, only to reach over and hold her, and feel the warmth of her body against mine, and I knew that I was safe. I knew that everything was just a dream...Now, I can't even drink away the memories, or stop the tears from flowing. I want to be me again, but I know that can never be. I want to be who I was before, and then maybe she would think I was a good daddy to our baby, or even a good husband for herself. Maybe then I wouldn't be sitting in this chair, alone with this bottle in my hand looking for some peace...sometimes, I'm proud to be a veteran, but during times like this, I hate the fact that I am one...I hate the fact that I was changed so much that I can't even keep my family together...I used to be happy...but how can you see hope, and happiness when all you see is the scars of war when you close your eyes?