Thursday, November 18, 2010

"My Baby"

I'm on the road again,
to a place where the highway ends
my demons pushing from behind
waiting to see, is this the end time?

You took my daughter
once again
on your face
a slyish grin

Too soon now
it will take
to wipe that look
off your face

You try to control
that which you cannot
soon enough you will see
as she unties the knot

You were never there
when she needed you
always busy
and never true

It was me
that hugged her and kissed her goodnight
while you were gone
I was her guiding light

Soon enough
the day will come
her love for you
will come undone

Don’t be confused
and don’t ask me why
I won’t care how you feel
I don’t care if you cry

You had your chance
but you her go
just like your mother
your daughter, you’ll never know

I’ll be here for her
until my dying day
she knows Daddy loves her
In my heart, she'll always stay...

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

"Motherly Love"

You didn't care
to catch the tears
Tearing her away
Confirming her fears

Pulling her away 
From Daddy and Friend
Her only protection
From your troubled whirlwind

Who will be
Her Daddy now
Will he stand tall
Humble and proud

Or will he do
As the rest
Put hands on my little girl
As you say, "he's the best"

She's been beaten
Molested and raped
While you looked away
Scared of red tape

You walked away
In the past
Left her with monsters
Each one being the last

Then with me
Her safety was clear
Nothing would happen
With Daddy so near

But you pulled her away
Returned her to hell
Molested again
But you refused to tell

Why you have her
I'll never know
She should be with me
I'll never let go

I'd ensure her safety
and always be true
I can make sure
She never ends up like you

Motherly Love

"Motherly Love"

You didn't care
to catch the tears
Tearing her away
Confirming her fears

Pulling her away 
From Daddy and Friend
Her only protection
From your troubled whirlwind

Who will be
Her Daddy now
Will he stand tall
Humble and proud

Or will he do
As the rest
Put hands on my little girl
As you say, "he's the best"

She's been beaten
Molested and raped
While you looked away
Scared of red tape

You walked away
In the past
Left her with monsters
Each one being the last

Then with me
Her safety was clear
Nothing would happen
With Daddy so near

But you pulled her away
Returned her to hell
Molested again
But you refused to tell

Why you have her
I'll never know
She should be with me
I'll never let go

I'd ensure her safety
and always be true
I can make sure
She never ends up like you

Tuesday, November 16, 2010


Sitting right beside you
Knowing that it’s true
I know in my heart
I’ll never stop loving you

Those beautiful brown eyes
Your smile when we talk
I love the time with you
As down the halls we walk

I know I'm much to young
To know what I want in life
But I do know that I love you
You would make an amazing wife

These words I’m writing
However so true
Will never leave my heart
They’ll never get back to you

I wrote these words
Many years ago
In a middle school classroom
Yet the feelings are still so

Now I sit
In my house alone
Cursing the memories
Of what I left unknown

I’d drop what I’m doing
To be with you
For you alone
My heart is true

I don’t know why
I opened this book
Found an unfinished poem
Back to you I was took

If you ever read this
Remember it’s true
I’ll always be there
My heart belongs to you...

Monday, November 15, 2010

Thursday, November 11, 2010


A Veteran is someone
I’m proud to know
They fought so hard
Never letting go

They left their families
Husbands, wives, and kids
To fight for my freedom
On foreign grids

They ask us for nothing
But our thanks we should give
For their time in hell
They must forever relieve

You’ll never understand
The hell they face
Running into battle
Their fear misplaced

Do not ask why
For you’re not entitled to know
An explanation is not something
A Veteran owes

If you still feel
You need to know
Sign that dotted line
Become a Joe

Become one of us
Under the shroud
A US Military Veteran
The few, and the proud

Thursday, July 8, 2010

"Tears on Paper"

Do I mean
The words I write
The harsh realities
Or the suicides

The pain that comes
And always goes
Comes out on paper
Like tears, it flows

How I feel
I let it out
It keeps me going
And calms the shout

I do not plan
On suicide
Behind my poetry
I'll shyly hide

You may think
I'm crazy indeed
You'd never think
I'm a man in need

In need of his wife
And his daughter's smile
I'm missing my family
They've been gone awhile

I didn't give them
The love the need
Now I'm alone
On paper I bleed

I'm hoping soon
They come my way
My family and I
Will be here to stay...

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Want to Die

I pull the razor
Across my skin
Splitting my flesh
Watching blood begin

I feel no pain
From the cut so deep
My heart is in pieces
My distance I'll keep

I want to die
Kill the pain inside
Can't fight the tears
So I cry and cry

My Wife is gone
My Daughter too
I lost my life
When I lost you

The day you left
I made a choice
Through pill, gun or blade
I shall silence my voice

I want to die
Take my last breath
When the pills take effect
I shall fear not death

I tried int once
But did not die
I'm not a quitter
I'll give it another try

Nobody will save me
Not like they care
Nobody would stop me
Just point, laugh, and stare...

Tuesday, July 6, 2010


Standing alone

in a crowded hall
all eyes on me
awaiting my call

They push and pull
give and take
I'm losing control
about to break

They try to run my life
who I need to be
I'm tired of everyone wanting
I need to be set free

I am my own man
25-years old
I've been to hell and back
yet I'm still being told

You don't know what's best
and you never cared in the past
If my life you keep living
my life will be your last

Just leave me alone
back off and see
let me happy
allow me to be free

To make my own choices
and be my own man
You may not agree
but I have my own plan

So again I ask
to let me be
I'm walking away
I'm finally free...

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

My Best Friend

You kiss away my tears
Whenever you see me cry
Jumping up to hug me
When I feel like I want to die

You are the one who is always there
When everyone has walked away
You love me without condition
With you, everyday is a new day

You are my best friend
After only a year
You keep me safe from harm
And all my invisible fears

You never let them get me
When I'm in my bed at night
You're always there to calm me
In the middle of the fight

I know you're just a dog
But your so much more to me
WIth you by my side
I feel forever free

Wednesday, May 12, 2010


War is nothing like you see in popular movies such as “We Were Soldiers” or “Jarhead”, it isn’t something that will ever be accurately portrayed in some Hollywood movie with actors or actresses who have never seen the terror in another man’s eyes just before taking his life. I have been home from war since April 20, 2004, just over 6 years ago, however it feels like no more than a week ago at times. A Soldier may leave the warzone, but the effects that the warzone has on us will remain until our dying day.

I was killed in Afghanistan, and I say that not physically, but emotionally. There are no survivors in war, merely people who made it out with what is left of their lives. Those of us who are considered “lucky” enough to come home to our families, do not fully come home, as our lives have been left on the front lines of a war zone thousands of miles away never to be heard from again.

I remember happiness, but that was long ago, before I decided to give my life for the people of our country. I wish I could be the same person that I once was, at times I even regret being in the Military, I regret giving all I had, and all that I ever will. Then I think about all of the people that were saved because of the men and women who took the very same oath that I took, then I understand why I died. I lost my happiness so that so many more could have theirs.

I was married once to a woman who, at the time was “perfect”, and then I really got to understand what it meant to be a husband. I put all that I had into my job, as it was the most important thing in my life. I was so happy to be part of a family that I completely forgot about my own. Before I left, everything in my life was perfect, I was happy and wanted nothing more in my life.

After returning home from my deployment, I wasn’t the same person as when I had left. I no longer knew who I was, and I had forgotten what it felt like to be “happy”. I couldn’t help how I felt, I didn’t feel comfortable at home, and I wanted to be alone as much as possible, but I didn’t really feel safe when I was alone. It really didn’t make sense to me, but then again at that point things rarely did.

That relationship ended because of me, and my inability to “return” to the person that I had been before, or maybe because I had still not returned from the place where I had left my emotions. I had a couple relationships after that one, however nothing that I am proud to talk about as I lost one of my very best friends in the process, and one mistake that if I had been my “old self” would never have happened. However, I also lost a person with whom I had considered my “brother”, as he had been the one who I could always count on to be there for me no matter what.

I walked out on him when I left for the Army, and things have never been the same sense. That is one of my biggest regrets from the military. I lost another “brother” due to the military. After losing everybody that I had known previous to the Army, I thought that maybe I could find people who did not know me before my untimely death. Maybe, if somebody didn’t know how much I had changed, than they would not know that I had changed so dramatically.

When you do something that is considered “wrong” by people, you automatically feel as if everybody that you walk past, or that speaks to you knows what you have done. That is exactly how I feel when I meet new people, it feels as if I am being judged on the things that I have done. It makes it very difficult for me to meet new people without thinking that I am being judged. I no longer feel comfortable being around new people unless I have somebody with me that I am comfortable with, and that I feel “safe” with. I need the extra support that I am not being “judged” for what I have done, or that it is a good person, with whom I do not need watch my back.

Going to war, you know who you can trust but you never know who you cannot, so you don’t. I live that way to this day, not by choice but because I feel safe. It isn’t something that I am proud of, nor is it something that I would advise anybody else, but I can’t help it. I would give anything to be normal, and actually be able to keep a family, but I don’t really see it as happening as my life was taken from me in a country so very far away.

I know that I will never heal from the wounds that I have suffered, and I know that I am not the only one who feels as I do, however that doesn’t make it feel any better. Not being able to go out with your wife because you’re afraid of being surrounded by people, or pacing the floor anytime that your wife leaves the house afraid that something will happen to her, it’s not conducive to a healthy relationship. A healthy relationship is not something that I am accustomed to, nor do I foresee ever having one with the wounds that I have sustained and am unable to control.

My life, it’s just that, mine. It isn’t great; in fact it’s hell everyday that I live. Living with the pain of the things that I have seen, and done, knowing that I will never be the man, the husband, or the daddy that I had always planned on being. I do not regret dying for my country, but I do regret living to tell about it.

I conclude this with a line from a song that means a lot to me;
“Next time you think you’ve had a bad day, Go shake a Veteran’s hand”

I have to ask…what does a Veteran do when we’ve had a bad day?

Jeffrey Rodgers

Monday, January 18, 2010

I Pray

I pray to god
when I lay down at night
He leads me to love
He shows me the light

As I lay there
all alone
Dreaming of you
in our three bedroom home

Seeing Trin’s room
locked up tight
it gets harder every day
I wish we wouldn’t fight

I know where I went wrong
I took your love for granted
I realize that now
Responsibility I have accepted

Now as I sit here
praying for your return
I have seen my mistakes
many lessons, I have learned

What will it take
to make you mine
To be with me
Until the end of time

With me as your Husband
and you as my wife
let’s rebuild our family
let’s rebuild our life…

Saturday, January 16, 2010


Everyday it's something day she loves, and the next she never will. One day she talks about kids together, the next day she doesn't even want to be with me. One day she loves me, and the next she's allowed to talk to me...every day i get closer and closer to pulling the fucking trigger that it's not even funny, all because my heart is nothing more than a fucking game that she plays...I wish I did not love her, I wish I didn't have to think about her every minute of the fucking day...I wish I didn't have to sit here at home and allow her to play with my heart like a fucking video game. If it wasn't for the blood, I would have already killed myself by now, and the only thing ever stopping me as the chance that one day I would be with my family again, but that's never going to happen, it's just her way to control the situation...her way to make sure that I will never be happy...her way of controlling how long I stay on this earth...she knows exactly what she is doing to me...she knows that I every fucking time she does this to me, I have a breakdown...the time is coming very soon that I will have more than a breakdown, I will not wake up...and to be honest, I can't fucking wait on that day because I know that the games, and the pain will stop...

Wednesday, January 13, 2010


As I lay dying
Alone in bed
Thoughts of you
Come racing through my head

What could I have done
To be happy in life
With Trin as my baby
And you, as my wife

I didn't know it then
But I had it all
I didn't know that I loved you
Until after the fall

I told you that I was sorry
But there's nothing I can say
The past may be a memory
But it's one that will not go away

You left me alone
In this house to die
Watching the blood
Contemplating suicide

I've failed in the past
But now you're gone
Nobody to hold me
Or help me stay strong

I may have friends
But they can't see
The man before them
Is not me

So I say again
I need only you
To have, and to hold
And to always be true

Running Blind

I feel it happening

I’m losing my mind

With out you here

I’m running blind

Through the darkness

Down the halls

Around the corner

Waiting for the fall

Its bound to come

Only time can tell

How long it will be

Till I fall into hell

There’s no coming back

It’s a long way down

To the fires of hell

In the flames I shall drown

I wish you could save me

But now it’s too late

I’ve made too many mistakes

I’ve lost my soulmate

The light I wish

That I could find

But after everything

I’m running blind

I pray to God

To light the way

Let me wake up

To see a new day

When I wake up

I look for you

Is it really possible

Could God be true

I walk through the darkness

Down the hall

Around the corner

And again, I fall

I need you now

More then life itself

We can do this together

Put the past on the shelf

I’m running blind

Help me see

A life with you

Is where I need to be…

Friday, January 8, 2010


You has been an odd day, for some reason I'm as bad as I have been over the past week...but I have had a few misplaced wishes to day that got to me pretty bad. First off, at the VA today, I went up to make an appointment with my Psychologist, and while I was up there she finally gave me the packet that they had been out of for a few months now for a couples retreat that Desiree' and I had talked about going on together. It's kinda late for that though, isn't it...I tried to tell her that I didn't need it anymore, without giving the reason why, but she insisted telling me that after our last session, she knows that Desiree' and I really need it before something bad happens between us...again, too late, right?!
Soon after leaving the VA, I was driving down Meridian, on my way home when the song "Moment", by Emerson Drive came on...every time I hear that song, I have to fight back the tears, but over the past couple months I haven't been able to fight them too well for anything, so why would I expect to while driving.
"I've had my moments, days in the sunMoments I was second to noneMoments when I knew I did what I thought I couldn't doLike the day I walked away from the wineFor a woman who became my wifeAnd a love that, when it was right,Could always see me throughLookin' at me now you might not know itBut I've had my moments"
~~Emerson Drive~~ "Moments"
The most fucked up thing happened when I got the mail out of the mailbox...because I am a Disabled Veteran, and a member of the Disabled American Veteran Organization, each month I get a magazine from the D.A.V. Well, this months issues has wounded Veteran going through a Physical Therapy appointment, but his shirt, in big black letters, says "TRINITY"...everywhere I turn, I see them...and it hurts more and more each time...but for some reason, I makes me feel closer to them somehow...I really do not know how to explain it...

The Seventh Day

You get your wish
My life is gone
I care not how
You choose to move on

You took my baby
My ray of light
I see the darkness
My end is in sight

Now I'm alone
Drinking another beer
Cutting for pain
Watching blood mix with tears

The only feelings
I have left
Will be the cause
Of my very last breath

You care not how
You killed me inside
You took my child
You, and my pride

What do I have left
But a reason to cry
I'll never see you again
More of a reason to die

I've tried hard
In seven days
To find reason
To make make myself stay

On the sixth day,
I had but one
But on the seventh
I had but none

So, now we've come
To the end of the line
Now I realize
You'll never be mine

So, I must go
Walk alone
Down this lonely path
'Til I find my way home

When death shall call
I will go
Sooner, more than later
I sincerely hope so...

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Some People Never Change

You say that "some people never change", and I know you're talking about me, and the blog that I wrote early this morning while I couldn't sleep. Now, I ask you, what is the big deal that I do not believe in the same "God" as you? What is the big deal that I am not of Christian faith? I do not critisize you, or anybody else for their beliefs, in fact, I do have my own beliefs, but they are beliefs that can not be found on a shelf in a bookstore. My beliefs can be found in my heart, and on this blog, or in the notebooks that I keep so secret from all but a few.

As I said in my previous blog, everything that "God" created on that first day, you created in me on the first day we met. Your God is as much your savior, as you was mine. They say that God made man in an image of himself, which means that anybody in this world could be a were my savior, and I believe in you. Does that make me wrong because I do not worship somebody out of a book, I instead believe in the healing powers of those closest to us. When I was sick, you made me feel better; when I was sad, you made the pain go away; when I cried, you were there to wipe the tears away, I don't have to be a Christian to believe that I have been saved...I was saved from you.

As I said, I believe, that I was saved from myself, by, you believe in you may believe that you were sent there to save me, and that is fine because it is what you believe...without some sort of belief, what else do we have? Without some sort of faith, love, and hope, what do we have? I have faith in our love...and I hope that one day that love that I know we both have for each other will blossom into the future that I know we can make great together, as a family.

I know that it takes time to heal, as I have been hurt in the past just as you have. However, we need to help the healing process along, if we baby the hurt, it will only slow the process. I'm not saying to stand up, and walk right away, I'm saying get the strength back before you stand up and try. It's all about starting again at the beginning, mend the friendship, before the relationship.

I have made mistakes, as have you, but my love, and belief in your love has made me forgive all of yours. Now, I am asking you for the forgiveness that your beliefs say that you should give in return. Take your time, mend yourself, as I am trying to do, at the same time mend our broken friendship...and hope for a brighter relationship someday down the road...

"Mamma lives by the Bible,
The Bible lives by the bed.
An' she's lied alone so many nights,
With scriptures in her head.
Prayin': "Good Lord, just be with him,
I know his Faith is tired,
But he's an angel with no halo,
An' one wing in the fire."

An' I know he lives a little left of livin' right,
An he's come close to goin' way to far a few times.
But I'd trade a thousand prayers if just one prayer would come true:
Lord, please believe in him, like I believe in you."

Trent Tomlinson "One Wing in the Fire"

Tuesday, January 5, 2010


"Mother is the name for God on the lips, and hearts of all children" ~~The Crow; Brandon Lee"

"In the beginning when God created* the heavens and the earth, 2the earth was a formless void and darkness covered the face of the deep, while a wind from God* swept over the face of the waters. 3Then God said, ‘Let there be light’; and there was light. 4And God saw that the light was good; and God separated the light from the darkness.5God called the light Day, and the darkness he called Night. And there was evening and there was morning, the first day."

Anybody who knows me knows that I do not believe in "God", however, I do believe in the way people make me feel. Above two quotes, one from one of my favorite movies, the other from the Bible. As I said, I believe in the way I feel, not how a book "translated" on the biased opinion of William Tyndale says I should think or believe.

Where am I going with this?
Three years ago, I was a "formless void", and "darkness covered" all aspects of my life. Then, I met Desiree', and Trinity...when I met them, I felt the darkness lift, and I followed the light to my eventual happiness...I stumbled, and fell along the way, but after her forgivness, I picked myself up, and continued down my path to happiness. For the first time, I could see between the dark, and the light within myself, and I followed the light...I became a "daddy", and I loved the woman with whom I had called my wife, as I still do.

As I said before, I don't believe in "God", or the bible, but I do believe in the way I feel, and I feel as if what that first passage in that book says is true, but it's not some unseen deity, it's the love of another. I think that the bible is nothing more than a "Self-Help" book designed to show us what we don't already know about ourselves, or the people around us. It's not a struggle between "God", and "Lucifer", it's about the struggle we all fight within ourselves.

You can denounce what I believe if you wish, but before you do, just think about your life, and how it correlates with the Bible...You pray at night to your "God", whomever that may be, because it makes you feel like you can do, what you previously thought you could not, it gives you the confidence to try. It gives you the hope that maybe, by "the grace of God", something will happen that will make you feel like you've accomplished something in life, be it for your own personal gain, or for the safety of our Soldiers fighting overseas. You feel good, because you're actually taking the time to think about somebody, when they may not have anybody else.

Me, I'm feel as if I am slipping back into the "darkness", and without my "light", I will have no sight. I am lost, as I can no longer see the future as bright as I had. As the days pass, the "light" seems to get further behind me, yet I keep walking forward trying to find my way out, but only getting deeper into the pit of dispair. It's still not clear when the clouds will open up, but I'm hoping sooner more than later, as I have seen the end of the darkness, and it isn't a pretty sight. I have felt the never ending emotional roller coaster that is "rock bottom", and my "savior" is almost 900 miles away...close by comparison, but further when it comes to emotions...

Mother is the name for God on the lips, and hearts of all children"

Sunday, January 3, 2010


Being here alone brings back so many memories that I wish I could forget, I have tried to drink them away, but they won't leave me alone. I'm waking up, hoping to feel her there, so I know that I am home, but she's I home, or am I in a place so far away? Am I safe, or will my life, they take away? I would wake up to the bullets flying, or the soldier's crying out in pain, only to reach over and hold her, and feel the warmth of her body against mine, and I knew that I was safe. I knew that everything was just a dream...Now, I can't even drink away the memories, or stop the tears from flowing. I want to be me again, but I know that can never be. I want to be who I was before, and then maybe she would think I was a good daddy to our baby, or even a good husband for herself. Maybe then I wouldn't be sitting in this chair, alone with this bottle in my hand looking for some peace...sometimes, I'm proud to be a veteran, but during times like this, I hate the fact that I am one...I hate the fact that I was changed so much that I can't even keep my family together...I used to be happy...but how can you see hope, and happiness when all you see is the scars of war when you close your eyes?